Bulldrek, Inc.

Daki · Post by **Daki** » Tue May 07, 2002 2:57 pm

*A well tailored young man dressed in an Armani suit and armed to the teeth with weapons greets everyone entering the building with a warm smile and a standard message*

"Welcome to Bulldrek, Inc. where you will find an answer to all your ISP, IT or "Other" needs. Please note that the weapons lab and Cow Mutation Department are off limits to visitors but feel free to tour our facility. Thank you and watch out for falling cows."

Sludig · Post by **Sludig** » Tue May 07, 2002 3:04 pm

"Continuing on the tour, we see our complaint dept of 13. 12 of our workers make coffee and other sugar based delights for the Elf, who handles all complaints."

*Sounds of a Elf Diatribe with a complainer, and crying on the other end.*

"If you'll continue to follow, we have our corporate faces, those that can fake being normal for a brief time."

*Sludig looks over from a book and waves.*

Daki · Post by **Daki** » Tue May 07, 2002 3:10 pm

*The guide brings them to a stop outside from very large open doors*

"You are all in luck. Right now our Board of Directors is having its quarterly meeting. The man at the far end of the table is Daki, Director of Acquisitions. The man tied to the pole at the other end is one of our various worker drones. Let's listen in..."

Daki - "So we come to item #14 on the agenda, namely the vote of no confidence in Worker Drone #7624. This particular drone has not been meeting his monthly quota and I propose he should be deciplined. All in favor, empty your clips into Drone #7624."

*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*

*The guide ushers everyone away*

As you can see, we are quick to solve any problems here. Moving along now...

Crazy Elf · Post by **Crazy Elf** » Tue May 07, 2002 3:29 pm

Phone rings, the elf pciks it up.

"Com-fucking-plaints."

"Excuse me."

"You hear me, bitch, now what's your problem."

"I don't think I like your atit..."

The elf starts smashing the reciever on his desk.

"Wrong answer! Wrong answer!"

Raises the phone to its pointed ear again.

"Com-fucking-plaints."

"Well I never! I've never bee..."

Smashes the reciever into the desk again, raises it to his ear.

"I can do this all day."

"Okay then. My complaint is to do with the language content of your..."

"What the fuck is the problem with the fucking language?"

"Just that! That's such crude and horrific dialo..."

"Listen, bitch, there's a little something that you may not be aquainted with, it's called, REAL LIFE! If you can't FUCKING handle the fact that some fuckwit and bastard out there is going to say things like fuck, and fuck, and sometimes even fuck, then who the FUCK would give a shit about you panzy arse bullshit opinion. You stupid cunt rag."

"WHAT?"

"CUNT RAG! Also known as a TAMPON!"

"Well I nev..."

Starts the reciever desk dance again, finished, raises the phone to his ear.

"Over it yet? I am."

"You'll be hearing from..."

"From what! What are you going to fucking do, you stupid bitch! Complain? Oh well looky here, you're fucking doing that, aren't you? And look where it's fucking getting you."

"I'm going to come down in person!"

"Cone on! I'll fucking go you! You come on down and I'll fucking layyou out, you stupid bitch arse shit brick! I'll show you what a real shitbox attitude can do to ya! I'll fucking go you! I'll FUCKING DO IT!"

Slams the phone into the desk a few times and hangs up.

"... I love my job."

Sorrow · Post by **Sorrow** » Tue May 07, 2002 3:38 pm

A group of orderlies in white coats push a trolley down the corridor. On the trolley is a large box-shaped object covered with a white sheet.

Leading the orderlies is Sorrow, wearing a white coat and carrying a clipboard. The coat pockets bulge with pens, scissors, forceps, pistols and various other random lab implements. He has a radiation-monitoring badge pinned to one lapel, over a name badge. The name field has been filled with "If you need to ask, you don't need to know." He carries a large energy rifle over one shoulder.

Excuse me, please, ladies and gentlemen. Coming through. Excuse me please.

The group moves through the tour and vanishes around the corner.

Ryan Murphy · Post by **Ryan Murphy** » Tue May 07, 2002 5:28 pm

Ryan, After Hearing About Bulldrek Inc. on IRC, wrote: <Ryan> They pose no immediate threat to The Company. They're IT. Perhaps a contract of some sort is in order
<Ryan> I mean, our current IT department is a monkey hammering on a Colecovision console with an unloaded revolver.

Nightsky · Post by **Nightsky** » Wed May 08, 2002 1:13 am

As Sorrow disappears around the corner The MAD and TWISTED Dr. FrankenSkyien (on lone from OLT) follows close behind carrying something stinky and squishy with tentacles hanging out from beneath a white sheet.

"See!" The Mad Doctor exclaims. "I told you this IT would never understand Windows NT!"

Silent Sniper · Post by **Silent Sniper** » Wed May 08, 2002 1:37 am

At least it's better than EZBoard's. All they've got is a semi-anthropomorphic rat and a Pong machine.

Darkalin · Post by **Darkalin** » Wed May 08, 2002 3:45 am

A skinny man in black coverd in blood passes by the tour.
A little child speaks out, "Hey mister why do you got blood all over and silly red glass?"
The man looks at him like the small insect he is and says,"I have blood on me because I clean it up around here and the red glass are cool, plus ever thing looks red and I don't really see things that are red because of it. Got it?

Child-"Uummm....no that doesn't makes sence!"

Darkalin-"Its simple I don't see the blood then I don't have to clean it up."

Child-"YOUR A LAZY POO-POO HEAD!!!"

Darkalin-"Maybe...."

BANG BANG

Darkalin-"...but I don't see any blood to clean up now"

The rest of the tour looks on in horror as Darkalin walks down the hall.

Darkalin-"God I hate kids!"

DigiPrincess · Post by **DigiPrincess** » Wed May 08, 2002 4:52 am

*Walks in to the scene*

Uhhh...which way to the vending machines?

Serious Paul · Post by **Serious Paul** » Wed May 08, 2002 6:04 am

Serious Paul walks with the tour group taking in the sights.

So you have some Bovine mutations going on around here? Hmm.

Paul whips out his Bulldrek Maximum Security Penitentiary Identification Card.

Is it possible we can discuss some delicate business matters else where?

Daki · Post by **Daki** » Wed May 08, 2002 2:08 pm

*The group comes across the first floor vending machines that were, unfortunately, filled by Deev so they contain nothing but cheese*

Sorrow · Post by **Sorrow** » Wed May 08, 2002 2:25 pm

*Off-stage muttering*

*It sounds as though it might be Sorrow*

OK, now ditch the box and find a spare body bag. Someone get inside the bag and twitch lots. We'll give them another couple of minutes, then go back, only we do it at a dead run this time. Try not to hit anyone, though.

OK, start practising your worried looks, guys. Where's that body bag?

Moto42 · Post by **Moto42** » Wed May 08, 2002 5:49 pm

*Hangs back from the tour group, waiting until they are out of sight. Then crawls into the air ducts.*

Daki · Post by **Daki** » Wed May 08, 2002 7:01 pm

*The security system detects a foreign particle in the vents and triggers the appropriate precautionary measure. Namely, flooding that airduct with flames.*

Silent Sniper · Post by **Silent Sniper** » Wed May 08, 2002 7:08 pm

You guys got any job openings for an enforcer?

Moto42 · Post by **Moto42** » Wed May 08, 2002 7:22 pm

*Melts and becomes another charred hunk of carbon inside the air conditioning.*

Sorrow · Post by **Sorrow** » Wed May 08, 2002 8:22 pm

Excuse me! Excuse me! Emergency coming through! Gang way!

*Sorrow comes sprinting down the corridor towards the tour group, waving his arms madly. Behind him, at a dead sprint, comes the team of orderlies we saw earlier. This time, their trolley holds a body bag ... and the bag is twitching*

Make way! Make way!

*They disappear around a corner. Several seconds later, the sound of a slamming door can be heard*

Daki · Post by **Daki** » Wed May 08, 2002 9:26 pm

*A receptionist looks Sniper over and raises a brow* What are your qualifications?

Silent Sniper · Post by **Silent Sniper** » Wed May 08, 2002 10:50 pm

I'm skilled with most forms of weaponry, several styles of unarmed combat, demolitions, and have enough firepower to lay waste to a small nation.

Crazy Elf · Post by **Crazy Elf** » Wed May 08, 2002 11:16 pm

Phone rings, elf answers.

"Hello?"

"I'd like to make a complaint."

"So would I."

"Excuse me?"

"I want to complain, too."

"What?"

"I WANT TO COMPLAIN! What are you, retarded?"

"Excuse me, I'm making the com..."

"Shut the FUCK up, shithead!"

"Don't you yell at me! I'm a valued customer!"

"No, or valued customers give us money unquestoningly, and don't complain. You, sir, are a pain in the arse. If you care to come down in person, I will be more than happy to make you die, lots."

"I'm not putting up with this!"

"Yes you are, you're still on the phone, moron!"

"Yeah, well..."

"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

DigiPrincess · Post by **DigiPrincess** » Wed May 08, 2002 11:18 pm

FLIP!!!

I

HATE cheese!

CykoSpin · Post by **CykoSpin** » Thu May 09, 2002 8:33 am

*As the tour group moves on, a little punk decides to stay behind and try for a "freebie" out of one of the vending machines. As he proceeds to shove his arm up into the machine, a certain walkin', talkin', MAG-LITE® totin' dead guy in a black uniform happens to stroll by.*

Me: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Punk: Wha...? Who the fuck are you, asshole!?

Me: *flashes security badge*

Punk: Oooo, a rent-a-cop. Wuttaya gonna do, shine your flashlight at me?

Me: Actually, it's "company security" jack-ass....

Punk: *realizes his arm is now quite stuck*

Me: ...and no, I'm not gonna "shine my flashlight" at you...

Punk: *struggles a bit, to no avail*

Me: *"gently nudges" the vending machine*

*CRUNCH!*

Me: ...I love my job. *calls a technician to fix the vending machine* {looking around} Where the hell is that clean-up guy?

Sludig · Post by **Sludig** » Thu May 09, 2002 12:00 pm

*Comes out and looks at Sniper.*

"Do you have your resume with you?"

*takes resume* "Mmmmhmmm, follow me please."

*Leads Sniper off to a office.*

Daki · Post by **Daki** » Thu May 09, 2002 4:36 pm

*The Receptionist notifies the Munchkin Department they have another applicant*

Wildfire · Post by **Wildfire** » Thu May 09, 2002 5:51 pm

The tour group walks by a large climate controlled room

**ZZZOT**

Damnit, that's the third server overload today. At least this one didn't take the lights with it.

**POP**

the hallway goes dark and red emergency lighting comes on, illuminating the shattered flourecent tubes on the floor

I am so ordering those tubes in bulk from now on...

**click**

Argh! I need a hot key to reset that breaker, too. Well, it almost works, a few more dead servers and it should be ready to go on the live network.

the lights flicker back to life a few seconds later and the tour continues

Sludig · Post by **Sludig** » Thu May 09, 2002 6:32 pm

*looks at Sniper* "Well, your resume does look good, but we require a test."

*points behind at a door* "Inside is your test, then go out through the door on the other side, good luck."

*Leaves Sniper facing a plain, metal door save for in red stenciling* "Warning: Rabid"

Nightsky · Post by **Nightsky** » Thu May 09, 2002 7:27 pm

Meanwhile.....

The MAD and TWISTED Dr. FrankenSkyien has gotten tired of trying to teach a squid to work Windows NT. He's been stalking the Tour Group for thepast ten minutes, giggling madly and rubbing his figner's together in a truly evil fashion.

"Hrm....yes, that's such a nice pile of genetic material. Why, the fun I could have with them. I could try my new monkey/ewok/umpa lumpa cross."

Daki · Post by **Daki** » Thu May 09, 2002 8:02 pm

*The company wide intercom makes a soft announcement noise before a voice begins...*

The UNGAMUNGA Trolls will be released for their daily exercise in 25 minutes. Please take all necessary precautions. Again, the UNGAMUNGA trolls will be released in 25 minutes. Thank you.

Crazy Elf · Post by **Crazy Elf** » Fri May 10, 2002 6:59 am

Phone rings, elf shoots it.

Eva · Post by **Eva** » Tue May 14, 2002 9:38 am

A young woman in a tall office with floor to ceiling windows, pacing, gesturing, talking rapidly into a headset. Yes, yes, I know our stock is down, but I'm telling you, after the press release today, we'll be touching the sky. Listens, nods. No, it won't be like last time! Dr. Sorrow /promised/ me he's on to something this time and after the cow rights activist debacle last time, Bulldrek, Inc. can't afford itself another mistake. Trust me, John, once we go public with this new technology, OLT can pack up its bags. Pause. Yes. Pause. No. Pause Good. I'll see you at the press conference. The woman throws her headset on her large dark wooden desk, sighs and turns around to look at the magnificent view. This has to work. We've got no choice. I need to find Dr. Sorrow.

After taking the lift down to the subterranean floors, badging her way through the restricted areas, Eva finds herself deep inside the labs of Dr. Sorrow, with absolutely no fcuking clue what is going on. Who the hell are all these people and what are they doing here? Is it tour season again?

Sorrow · Post by **Sorrow** » Tue May 14, 2002 9:49 am

[Quick OOC note: It's Doctor Von Sorrowstein, surely? Blame Sam:)]

We are now deep underground, in Sorrow's laboratory. It is full of flashing lights, jars of chemicals and, in a special tribute to Monty Python, the machine that goes "ping".

Oh, hello Eva. Yes, I'm afraid that it is tourist season again. We'll be explaining the concept of "tourist season" to them later. For some reason they never associate it with, say "hunting season." Silly people.

Oh, hell. They're turning the trolls loose. Do you want to get out of the way? I'm going to lock the lab down and go to full contamination security to keep them out. You're more than welcome to stay, of course, but you'll be down here for a while.

I'm guessing you're here about the "something" we have. Well, it's definately something, as opposed to not being anything... but I'm rambling again. Which side of the blast doors would you like to be on when I lock the trolls out?

Daki · Post by **Daki** » Tue May 14, 2002 1:31 pm

*Automated voice*

You now have 15 minutes to reach minimum safe distance...

Nightsky · Post by **Nightsky** » Tue May 14, 2002 3:58 pm

Dr. FrankenSkyien looks up and declares on simple statement, "I didn't do it!"

Moto42 · Post by **Moto42** » Tue May 14, 2002 4:33 pm

*Reincarnates in the suspended ceiling, falling through the cheap tiles imedietly and hitting the floor hard.*

oof... Hey, this place looks interesting.

*Row apon row of cloning pods can be seen in the huge room a drekker in each of them*

Sorrow · Post by **Sorrow** » Tue May 14, 2002 7:12 pm

Excuse me one second, Miss Eva, there appears to be a security problem in the cloning labs.

*Sorrow wanders over to a control panel. The control panel is several square feet across and has lots of flashing lights.*

Oh. It appears the automated systems have re-incarnated someone in the cloning labs by mistake ... uh, you are cleared to know about the cloning labs, right?

Oh good, that's a relief.

I don't have time to deal with him now, so I'll let the automated security systems isolate him.

*Sorrow presses some buttons and types rapidly on a keyboard*

That should take care of that for a while. I'll notify Security once they've come out of hiding ...

*In the cloning facility, a small silver robot appears, scoots across the floor and hits MOTO in the face with a cream pie. MOTO42 promptly spasms, collapses and passes out on the floor*

Contact knockout poison in the pie. My doing, I'm sorry to say. Blame the board, though. They wanted something different and I was bored that day. Anyway, our "guest" should be out of it for the moment.

CykoSpin · Post by **CykoSpin** » Wed May 15, 2002 5:52 am

*strolls into the main security control room, nods at another guard near the entrance, then sits back with some coffee and doughnuts and watches the moniters, quickly glancing at the wall clock*

Ah, twelve more minutes. Heh heh.

Uh, sir? It seems there was an "incident" in the cloning labs.

*blank stare*

Um...it seems automated security has been activated from Dr. Sorrow's lab, but...

"But" what, fucknut? Dr. Sorrow is competent enough, more so than you it would seem.

Uuhhh...

Look, it can wait...for now. If anyone is out there when those trolls are released, well...if you want to go out there and check it out, be my guest; in *glances back at clock again* eleven minutes that door *points at entrance* is being sealed, and it ain't opening again until the trolls are safely put away again.

*gulp*

I didn't think so...

Eva · Post by **Eva** » Wed May 15, 2002 8:49 am

Yes, yes, the cloning labs. Of course I'm authorized to know, who do you think handled the media on that one? It was another disaster, I'm telling you. Sighs. I must admit, if it weren't for our astounding rate of innovation in the most incredible and far-fetches areas, Bulldrek, Inc would be history.

I'm sorry, what were you saying ab- You now have 15 minutes to reach minimum safe distance... Oh Christ! You /are/ going into full lock-down, aren't you? I'd much rather be inside this very controlled and super-safe room with nothing dangerous in it, than outside.

Slips inside, helps Dr. Sorrow close the heavy, secured lab doors and lights up after that. So.. saw Sex & the City yesterday?

Sorrow · Post by **Sorrow** » Wed May 15, 2002 10:01 am

Closing the heavy, secured lab doors? You've not seen full secuity lockdown in here, have you?

Oh no, of course you wouldn't. If the media saw us lock this place down, properly, they'd figure we had something to hide. Those doors look good for the cameras ... but watch this.

*Sorrow grabs a microphone and yells at it*

Code Red! Emergency Lock-Down!

*Outside the secured lab doors, the security blast-barriers close in a shameless steal from Star Wars. The only difference is that the Death Star didn't have 3-foot thich blast doors*

OK, there's now three foot of high-density construction composites between us and the trolls. We're now running on internal air, water and power supplies adequate for a year's continual useage. This facility is shut tight, there's no way a bacteria could get in ... or, more importantly out.

Nope, sorry, I didn't watch that.

Um, that rather kills that line of conversation, doesn't it? There was something I wanted to talk to you about ... what was it?

Oh yes. Could you please ask your staff not to make facetious comments to the R&D crew? They have a tendancy to take them literally. Someone in your office told them to go and "build a better mousetrap" last week. And, well, they did. Fortunately, I caught them before they built a prototype.

*Eva looks confused*

I had to explain to them that, while it would guarentee killing your mouse with a certainty so close to 1 as to be indistinguishable, detonating a tactical nuclear warhead would cause more problems than it solves. Yes, standing at ground zero while we detonate a kiloton warhead will kill any mouse ... except the ones in Room 54 ... but I don't consider the total destruction of the building to be an acceptable side effect.

Ka0s 0verdrive · Post by **Ka0s 0verdrive** » Wed May 15, 2002 12:51 pm

A tall man wearing a black trench coat , black mesh shirt, and black cargo pants runs by the tour group, muttering to himself.

"Mother bastard... I'm going to kill him..."

Stops and turns around, facing the group, he then speaks to the tour guide:
"Safe Zone 31's closed, run as fast as you can down to corridor Alpha 3, and get into SZ 30. Move! They're just.. "

Stops in mid sentence, as the trampling of feet can be heard. the trempling escalates to a vibrating rumble.

The man looks back and opens a blue rift in the air, and steps through.

JohnnyRico · Post by **JohnnyRico** » Wed May 15, 2002 1:31 pm

Up on the roof, Head of the Air Superiority Division Johnathan Rico stalks across the hanger.

Alright People, we have roughly 10 minutes before those trolls are released. I want this place sealed up tight in Three minutes, and everyone prepared to be airborne by the Five Minute mark. Everyone remembers what happened Last month when they let these trolls out, Don't we Sanchez? Carlos "Dirty" Sanchez winces and rushes off to make sure that the hanger doors are secured and locked down tight, still walking kind of funny I see that we do remember... Rico walks down the flight line, making sure that all the pilots are doing their preflights, especially the one preflighting his helicopter.

Daki · Post by **Daki** » Wed May 15, 2002 1:41 pm

"You know have five minute to reach minimal safe distance. All prisoners are being released into the halls. Five minutes until UNGAMUNGA Troll release. Have a nice day."

Eva · Post by **Eva** » Wed May 15, 2002 1:48 pm

Ah, three foot doors. That's.. lovely. Makes notes for the up-coming Video News Release, in which the inside of Bulldrek, Inc. will be shared with the main audience.

Yeah and about that mousetrap comment, you need to know something: my people know fuck-all about what's going down in here and I'd like to keep it that way. You send us key messages and a blurb about your new technologies, we make it pretty and release it. That's it. Sorry if that rubbed you the wrong way. I guess it's true what they say about techies and no sense of humor.

Watches Dr. Sorrow's facial expression change.

What? Something I said?

Crazy Elf · Post by **Crazy Elf** » Wed May 15, 2002 1:55 pm

Phone rings, elf answers.

"What?"

"Is this the complaint dep..."

"No, it's the fucking zoo, you fucking idiot. You either rang the fucking number for the fucking complaints department, or you were transfered, so why the fuck are you asking, you fucking moron!?"

"Well I may have dialed the wrong number!"

"Well you're a fucking idiot then! Big suprise!"

"I'm making a complaint!"

"I don't fucking care."

"Well you should, I'm your..."

"You're my what? My what? What are you to me, other than a fucking target?"

"I'm a customer, damnit!"

"No, you're a complainer, you're currently a big fucking sook."

"I am not!"

"Yes you are!"

"I am not! I have a legitimate..."

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaah waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"I don't have to put up with this!"

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaah waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"You'll be hearing from my lawyer!"

"Grow a friend."

JohnnyRico · Post by **JohnnyRico** » Wed May 15, 2002 2:33 pm

The growl of jet engines grows louder by the minute as Rico starts the various T-birds, Helicopters and jet fighters on their ways. As the countdown clock on the wall ticks to One Minute, Rico steps into his own helicopter, taking the controls from the pilot doing the startup procedure and lifting them smoothly into the air

Alright people, lets put on a show while we're here. Blue Squadron, Double V formation, give me a low, slow pass over the front lawn, then use the Immelman reverse and come back and gain some altitude before going into a holding pattern over the complex. As the T-bird Squadron buzzes the complex, Rico addresses the helicopters.

Red Squadron, you'll follow me through a similar pattern while Green Squadron sets up the combat perimeter patrol. Don't want to get caught with our pants around our ankles. You never know who might decide to take a few pot shots at us. Red Squad, break by half squadron and circle the wagons, then follow me.

JetPlane · Post by **JetPlane** » Wed May 15, 2002 2:42 pm

/me becomes the "innocent" idiot.

JET ENGINES! OOOO! COOOOOLLLLL! Can I touuuchhhh ittttt? huh? huh?

Wait..huh? Why do you have guns..What..what's going on here...WHERE'S MY BABIES? WHERE'S MY BABIES???!???

AHHHHHH! MURDERERS! MURDERERS!

Sludig · Post by **Sludig** » Wed May 15, 2002 3:04 pm

*escorts client out* "It's time for a working lunch."

*watches the aerial show* "We like to be prepared for industrial espianoge, we take our secrets very well."

*prepares blackmail material to get acct.*

Moto42 · Post by **Moto42** » Wed May 15, 2002 9:04 pm

*slowly regains conciousness*

"Eleven seconds to reach minimum safe distance"

Aw crap.

*Breaks into a run for the slowly closing blast doors at the opposite end of the cloning lab, heart pounding in his ears as he dives. The three feet of high-density alloy slam into position missing his nose by millimeters.*

*Gets up, dusts him self off and reads.*
"If you can read this, your on the wrong side of the door."

...

Silent Sniper · Post by **Silent Sniper** » Wed May 15, 2002 10:22 pm

I think I'll take my chances with the rabid critters.

*grabs a pressure washer full of mace and heads into the room, locking the door behind him*

JetPlane · Post by **JetPlane** » Wed May 15, 2002 10:26 pm

*Moto42 wipes some dust off the window and quickly presses his face up against the laugh; he is surprised to see a finger pressed up against the window right level with his eyes. As he looks back in again, he sees the INNOCENT BYSTANDER pointing her finger at him and laughing.*

/me snorts.