Pirates of the Caribbean III [Spoilers and Rant Ahead, Yaar]
Posted: Sat May 26, 2007 5:14 am
First, let me say that PIII was an enjoyable movie. It also had plot holes you could drive the kraken through. The stone crabs were just really kinda awesome, though.
The beginning was actually very promising. You have a long line of pirates waiting to be hanged, and they march up and get hanged. Then you have this little kid come up, and he's waiting to be hanged, and he starts singing, and soon the whole line is singing, then he's hanged (off camera) and the coin he's holding hits the ground. Beckett, the Head Bad Guy, is told the prisoners are singing and says "Finally."
Now, this is important, because it sets up a plot for the song and for the coin, which later becomes important to getting Chow Yun Fat in the picture, and is then promptly forgotten. By everyone. Which is sad, because it was an otherwise very good idea. Plus, I was kind of rooting for the kid to be Kid Jack making a daring escape and maybe have another scene with his dad.
Many of the jokes in the movie are forced and make no sense, even by the standards of Disney movies. Which is fine, except they take away from the plot. Case in point: the Nine Pieces of Eight are actually Nine Pieces of Crap. Some clever script-writer put that piece of shite in there without thinking "Hey! I could tie this in with the whole coin-song thing at the beginning and it would actually make some sense!"
Keith Richards and Chow Yun Fat are both fucking amazing, and both completely underused. In fact, they do what they can to kill Chow Yun Fat as soon as possible. I'd rather they killed the Turners and kept Fat. Orlando Bloom still cannot act, which the director finally realized by keeping him off-camera as much as possible.
Back to plot: Why the fuck are Sparrow /and/ Barbosa both Pirate Lords? I mean, really. Does that make any sense at all? I mean, Barbosa was Jack's first mate for crying out loud!
Characters included and killed unnecessarily: Norrington, Governor Swann, the Kraken. Hell, they killed two of 'em off-camera. Stupid, stupid shite.
Tia Dalma = Calypso -> NOT unexpected, but extremely poorly played out. We had expected that she was actually Davey Jones' love interest, but the whole deal turned out to be...ah fuck, it's just annoying and a poor use of character. Plus, I totally expected Jack to have given a "false" Piece of Eight so she wouldn't be freed. But that's me. As a side note, if she did turn out to be Calypso, then Davey Jones should have become Odysseus. That would only be fair and cool and we could get some mileage out of that.
On to other matters: there is an after-the-credits scene, but it sucks. The movie should have properly ended with Jack and the Map and the Compass. Actually, why does Jack need the Map AND the Compass? Who knows? Ghost willing we'll find out in a movie that contains neither Kiera Knightly nor Orlando frickin' Bloom.
Jack's hallucinations get...very...fucking...tiresome. Especially the ones that come out of his dreadlocks.
The beginning was actually very promising. You have a long line of pirates waiting to be hanged, and they march up and get hanged. Then you have this little kid come up, and he's waiting to be hanged, and he starts singing, and soon the whole line is singing, then he's hanged (off camera) and the coin he's holding hits the ground. Beckett, the Head Bad Guy, is told the prisoners are singing and says "Finally."
Now, this is important, because it sets up a plot for the song and for the coin, which later becomes important to getting Chow Yun Fat in the picture, and is then promptly forgotten. By everyone. Which is sad, because it was an otherwise very good idea. Plus, I was kind of rooting for the kid to be Kid Jack making a daring escape and maybe have another scene with his dad.
Many of the jokes in the movie are forced and make no sense, even by the standards of Disney movies. Which is fine, except they take away from the plot. Case in point: the Nine Pieces of Eight are actually Nine Pieces of Crap. Some clever script-writer put that piece of shite in there without thinking "Hey! I could tie this in with the whole coin-song thing at the beginning and it would actually make some sense!"
Keith Richards and Chow Yun Fat are both fucking amazing, and both completely underused. In fact, they do what they can to kill Chow Yun Fat as soon as possible. I'd rather they killed the Turners and kept Fat. Orlando Bloom still cannot act, which the director finally realized by keeping him off-camera as much as possible.
Back to plot: Why the fuck are Sparrow /and/ Barbosa both Pirate Lords? I mean, really. Does that make any sense at all? I mean, Barbosa was Jack's first mate for crying out loud!
Characters included and killed unnecessarily: Norrington, Governor Swann, the Kraken. Hell, they killed two of 'em off-camera. Stupid, stupid shite.
Tia Dalma = Calypso -> NOT unexpected, but extremely poorly played out. We had expected that she was actually Davey Jones' love interest, but the whole deal turned out to be...ah fuck, it's just annoying and a poor use of character. Plus, I totally expected Jack to have given a "false" Piece of Eight so she wouldn't be freed. But that's me. As a side note, if she did turn out to be Calypso, then Davey Jones should have become Odysseus. That would only be fair and cool and we could get some mileage out of that.
On to other matters: there is an after-the-credits scene, but it sucks. The movie should have properly ended with Jack and the Map and the Compass. Actually, why does Jack need the Map AND the Compass? Who knows? Ghost willing we'll find out in a movie that contains neither Kiera Knightly nor Orlando frickin' Bloom.
Jack's hallucinations get...very...fucking...tiresome. Especially the ones that come out of his dreadlocks.