Bulldrek v3.0

As with many of us here, Highschool was not a kind place. For me, the friends I had in highschool were good solid friends. They were people to stand behind you in troubled times and I must admit, at the time, I was very lucky to have them around. Then I self destructed. They were not the ones who let me down, but the other way round. Now its too many years later, a reunion is in the upcoming and I have this urge, much like the addict I am, to return to these people, and not ask forgiveness for my sins, but to at least show my remorse for the destructive things I put these people through. I am not talking my regular classmates, but those people that I can count on two hands who were there above and beyond what they should have been. Friends I betrayed in my downward destructiveness. The devestation I wrought all around myself.

I have joined a few of the message boards available for my classmates contacts, and a few people have contacted me. 3 have come out of the woodwork and straight up contacted me. One was shall we say distraught at what I had been through, where my life had gone, and the person I had turned into, as she put it, was not at all what she expected. I had changed so much since she had seen me in highschool, personally, that she was uncomfortable being around me. I have kindly asked her to put her thoughts into words, just so that I can look back and see how the person I was, could have lead to the person I am now...

The other two, were happy at where I was, and feel comfortable with what I have grown into. But both of them have their memories as well, and both of them took my remorse at how I had wronged them in positive ways. Accepting that I was truly sorry for how I had wronged them.

Now I come to the cruix of my post...

There are several, who were not friends, but were people on the peripherary of my life both in and beyond highschool until I decided life in San Diego was no longer where I could/wanted/needed to live. They are basically carving destructively into my attempts at speaking to those I truly wish to, but who have as of yet, made available any kind of non-message board contact, the message boards do no use PM's so that is out. Unless someone actually posts email info, or contact info, there is no other contact. So for me, my efforts are going in vain, and are very frustrating. I am not even being able to plead my case with those I wish to, because these others are spouting off opinions of what who I am that was based off the person I was along time ago, without looking at the person I am now.

There is a "mixer" coming up, in a public place, at the end of this month that will allow me to interact directly with about half of the people I want to, but it also means interacting with several of the people who have basically touted me as the Spawn of Hell at the same time...

Do I go forth, and make a personal appearance? Or do I try and search for other avenues to make peace with these demons I carry within me?

Blah blah blah just buy everyone a couple rounds of drinks.

Ancient History wrote:Blah blah blah just buy everyone a couple rounds of drinks.

That is the attitude that got me where I am at now...

Go, and if any assholes get in your way put them behind you, by force if necessary.

It sounds like you have an honest interest in going. I would. You're not that boy anymore.

You should go. Either it'll be great, and you can put it out of your mind, or it's going to suck hard, and you can put it out of your mind, you know?

If it all doesn't go well, just make sure to key cars and slash tires on the way out.

It sounds to me like you need to get over yourself. Stop talking about all the horrible shit that's happened to you and just go there and spend some time with people. The problem is that you're putting all your scars out front for the world to see - seriously, how many times do you have to tell everyone about the deaths, and how many times do we need to see the picture of your X-ray? - and then wondering why people are upset you're not nicer. It all looks to me strangely like a desperate cry for attention because you don't believe the person you really are, behind all the tragedy and pain you broadcast, is interesting enough to gain any attention, when in reality, the pain-broadcast is what makes people not want to spend time with you. So put that shit away: it's private anyway. You don't have to prove you're hardcore to get people to talk to you, and acting all hardcore is what makes people not want to.

You have the same problem Bishop and I do, as well as half-a-dozen other people I know: poor self-image. You think if you can wear this face of who you wish you were, people will like you, when in reality the face you're showing is why people don't. When you get your insecurities to shut the fuck up, you're not annoying and won't make people pity you. But since the pity and attention is what you want, to prove your pain is real, to show them all what you've lived through so they'll be impressed, you won't do it, any more than I will.

I'm not sure I have much to offer here. I've no real experience with betraying my friends, in part because I have few actual friends, and in part because I've been lucky. (Note I am not leveling some sort of accusation, but relaying my personal experience. I'm already the right hand man to the fat antichrist, no sense in adding to my titular splendor.) So on that front I can offer you little beyond the trite, or anecdotal.

As for reunions-well my experience was obviously very different from yours, as far as high school, and school is concerned. I was never one to be concerned about the established social order or the way things are supposed to be done. I see everyone from high school that I want to see on a regular basis. I am uninterested in the rest. But it seems obvious to me you want to go.

I see no real substantive reason not to go on your part. You can crawl up in a shell, like Ancient History, and pretend the world around you just isn't on your level-or you can go out and set your own terms. Even if it's when you're apologizing.

By the by, I think Bobby's post was shit, and the act of a child who's lashing out. I think it adds to his overall shit head reputation, something I know that bothers him-if nothing else because he tells Iantha it bothers him, and she tells me. Perhaps if you took a tactical time out, and actually tried adding something beyond shitting on people you'd get the respect you're looking for Bob.

Paul wrote:By the by, I think Bobby's post was shit, and the act of a child who's lashing out. I think it adds to his overall shit head reputation, something I know that bothers him-if nothing else because he tells Iantha it bothers him, and she tells me. Perhaps if you took a tactical time out, and actually tried adding something beyond shitting on people you'd get the respect you're looking for Bob.

Pauly's still pissed at me for something I didn't do, so ignore him.

Re: the post. Sin, I don't know your back story and I really don't give a damn. If it bothers you, make amends and move on. If anybody out there offers better advice, take it.

At least we know he can follow instructions.

You know 3-2 I was going to quote what you said and address each point, but I read it in a totally different light this afternoon and decided that my response doesn't mean what it did this morning.

I think perhaps you miss a point of what I am trying to do. I am trying to not be the person you painted above. I am trying to move away from the person dwelling on all the crap and bring back to my life all the things that were bright shining points in my life, and part of that is contacting the people that were the bright shining points and making amends for what I did to make them lose contact. My dilemma, is that in attempting to do so, without the posturing has been made difficult because there are people that can't see beyond the face I have painted on for the last so many years, and insist that it is still the face I am wearing.

I am not perfect, I haven't learned to walk on water yet, but its a slow progression that is part of fixing what broken in myself.


See Paul, I screwed up, I pushed away those friends I had in highschool that in your case, you see as often as you can, and its that loss that I am trying to fix.

Well at least you want things to be better right? If nothing else, that seems -to me-a step in the right direction.

sinsual wrote:I think perhaps you miss a point of what I am trying to do. I am trying to not be the person you painted above.

Excellent.

sinsual wrote:I am trying to move away from the person dwelling on all the crap and bring back to my life all the things that were bright shining points in my life, and part of that is contacting the people that were the bright shining points and making amends for what I did to make them lose contact.

Here's the problem: by focusing on making amends, and bringing your life "back" - I quote the word for a reason, made clear in a moment - to the bright shining points, you are dwelling on that crap. Don't make amends. You can't. And the word "back" is a terrible one, because that's what you can never go to. You're not going to bring back the parts of your life that were bright and shining; the only thing you might be able to do is move forward to new shining points. Don't talk about the past, don't think about the past. Learn from it, then put it the fuck away, and be who you've become.

Please don't get the impression that I'm being harsh because I'm a dick or hate you or whatever. This is my advise because this is what I'm learning right now, what I've been trying to learn, and I wish someone had come along to slap me the fuck in the face earlier. Consider this your slap.

sinsual wrote:My dilemma, is that in attempting to do so, without the posturing has been made difficult because there are people that can't see beyond the face I have painted on for the last so many years, and insist that it is still the face I am wearing.

Yep. Some things can't be fixed, Sin. My suggestion? Fuck 'em. Don't try to remake your old friends in an attempt to remake your old life. Move forward, and if that path leads you to them again, great. If not, make new bright shining friends.

Too often we who live lives of pain look back to those days when we felt less and try to recreate them. But life isn't like a jigsaw puzzle; it's like a pane of glass whose pieces change shape after the breaking, and won't ever fit back together again. Perhaps some might change in such a way as to fit together differently, but you can't rely on it, and some pieces stay very sharp after breaking. You're swimming in it, and trying to find out why you're covered in blood, but you're so used to bleeding you don't understand - can't understand - that there's another way.

sinsual wrote:See Paul, I screwed up, I pushed away those friends I had in highschool that in your case, you see as often as you can, and its that loss that I am trying to fix.

My advice, and it may be terrible, is not to. Make new friends, instead. You can't go back.

I disagree with 32 on only one aspect of his point. The parts about not trying to recreate your old life or ressurect old friendships is probably good advice. If some of those friends come back on their own, great (probably - old friends can often trigger old behaviors), but don't try to force anything.

Not dealing with it at all, though, is probably not a great idea. Part of moving forward is leaving behind everything from before, and you can't do that easily while you feel guilty about what you did. Ask forgiveness. You don't want to, but do it anyways, and be prepared for them to not give it, but make the effort to shed that part of yourself. Let them know you are sorry for what you did, and you hope things worked out well for them in spite of what you did. And then move on.

As for the rest of the people -- go, show them who you are now, ignore them as best you can if needed, talk to the people you want to talk to, and leave peacefully. Nothing can stop what they're saying about you faster than you visibly not being the person they expect to see, and you specifically not rising to the bait and taunts they may throw at you.