Bulldrek v3.0

Sure, I'll move you. Absolutely. Name the time and place, and unless it's just impossible, I'm there. I've never turned down a friend who needed help moving, I don't think: it's part of how I pay back all the favors I've incurred over the years, needing rides to work, places to live, and, yes, my stuff moved.

But there are a few things I need:
• Is everything you own - with the exception of the very largest items - packed in boxes or bags, and in a neat pile in the room closest to your door? No? Then call me when you're ready to move.

• You need to work at least as hard as I do. And when it's moving time, I work hard. I like dumb heavy lifting. Should have been a dockworker. But if I'm flying up and down stairs, while you're drinking a beer with your soon-to-be-former neighbor, I'm going to go home.

• I can't be the only person who moves you. If I'm your only friend, you're going to need to buy some friends. That beer comes in handy. See, I'm really very old, and if I have to move your whole household alone, I'm going to die, and that will make me feel really bad.

• There can't be more children than adults. Kids can be really helpful when moving: they can do little things that it would be a waste to dedicate a Paul or a Bishop to. But if there are eight kids, and you, and me, then I'm going to have to spend 90 percent of my time kid-wrangling, and not much moving's going to happen.

• Don't close my window. Don't open it, either. You can't possibly expect me to move your entire household in four hours. Similarly, if those four hours run out, you can't possibly expect me to call in sick the next day so I can "finish up." Piss-poor planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part.

I will not stick around when your significant Ex shows up just to pick a fight. I am there to help you move, not play referee.If you want a referee, call your new girlfriend so we can at least enjoy a Cat Fight since we will not be able to move anything.

Ha! Man, have I been there. Or angry landlords showing up, is another delight.

• If you don't have everything ready for me on Day One, and we reschedule a Day Two, that's annoying but okay. If I show up on Day Two and it looks exactly the same as Day One, I'm going home.

• If I let you temporarily store things where I park my roofless car, with the understanding that you'll move it before it rains, move it before it rains.

• Sure, you can store things in my yard. For 24 hours. After that, I'm putting a sign on it that says, "FREE." My yard is not the county dump.

- If you tell me you have a uHaul lined up, I assume that means you have it reserved and will have it ready to load that morning. If you require a pre-weight for claiming DitY move compensation, I expect that to be on your time, not mine.

- If I arrange for a crew of volunteers to help your emergency move, these are the things I wish to be already boxed up for the benefit of all of us: medicines (particularly prescription narcotics), sex toys, your stripper pole, any other intimate objects which may cause offense or embarassment. We don't want to pry, but we also don't want to touch something that might have been in you.

- Trash. I understand that moving is hectic, and I don't expect everyone to live in immaculately clean spaces. But if we're moving you, I don't want to have to move three day old food to get to your furniture. Nor do I want to step over piles of trash while carrying a sofa. Sorry.

- I don't mind picking up or moving heavy objects. After-all, that is what I do for a living. But do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT offer your "help" if you are a weakling. If you get in my way and slow me down, it will frustrate me.
- payment, as always, is a 12 pack of beer, to be consumed during a break or AFTER moving. Not during.